Misery Loves Company-NBA Style (unedited)

Dear Sacramento,

It has recently come to my attention that there has been a loss in your family. On behalf of Washingtonians, please accept our deepest sympathies. We understand that it is a difficult time. Grief, while a normal emotion, is almost not enough to explain the pain you may be feeling. We hope you can find comfort in this information:


Not only did Seattle lose an NBA team to that “awesome sports-mecca” Oklahoma City, but it is also known as the most miserable sports city. Grief + misery = unspeakable sports sorrow. The depths that Seattle is in with regard to sports is only exacerbated by the futility of the Seattle Mariners. Yes, Seattle’s own Mariners probably gave new definition to the word futility with offensive numbers that were just that offensive. Let’s see that means: grief, misery, futility. And we haven’t even discussed the Seahawks. Oh yes, they made the playoffs this past season but with a sub.500 record only brought out anger in NFL purists who could not bear to see a losing team in the playoffs. Granted the ‘hawks beat the defending champs New Orleans Saints, but that only angered the masses more.

Grief, misery, futility, anger. According to the rest of the sports county, that is Seattle. Here is hoping you won’t endure the ridicule that Seattlites have. Why even today, not only were you put on notice with the NBA, but a dagger through Seattlites’ hearts was plunged as well.

Emperor David Stern humiliated not only you but Seattle as well with his twisted sense of humor by putting Clay Bennett in charge of the NBA’s relocation committee. Now the only reason to have a relocation committee at this point in time is because of your Sacramento Kings’ owners. It’s common knowledge that they desire to move to Anaheim. Hmm. If I were an emperor, who would I put in charge of a committee about that? Of course, the man who just lied and finagled “allegedly”, the Seattle Supersonics away from the city of Seattle and took them to Oklahoma City. Yes, put that man in charge of relocation because he is so good at it. He can help The Maloofs double-talk their way into either a new arena or moving the team. Either way, it’s a win-win for the NBA. And Clay Bennett gets another feather in that black hat of his. Conflict of interest? Not in the Emperor’s New NBA world.

David Stern doesn’t care about you Sacramento. That’s what a commissioner is supposed to do; not care about the cities. His only job is to care about his owners. He can say that he cares about the league and maybe in some twisted way, he does. But he “reports” to the owners and if The Maloofs aren’t happy in Sacramento then it’s time to move them somewhere else. He can double-talk all he wants about “working with” your fine city Sacramento, but after everyone saw his sorry performance with the Seattle situation, nobody believes him.

Sacramento, we understand. We will be a shoulder for you to cry on. It will blend right in with the Seattle rain, even though it’s not even on the top 10 list of wettest cities in the United States. That’s what everyone thinks: Rain + Seattle = Misery.

Take stock of the memories Sacramento. They were great times weren’t they? Those times will help you with the grief process. Remember and hold on to those victories. For time is short with Cowboy Bennett at the helm. The execution is at hand. Link arms with one another for the vultures are circling. Seattle can help you through this. Seattle can let you know what to expect (i.e. ignorance personified in okc — which has since been retracted). Seattle feels your pain Sacramento. Seattle understands. Believe me, we’re in the early stages of a sorry Mariners season already, SEATTLE UNDERSTANDS.

Hold your head high Sacramento. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Do not be swindled by the Swindle Brothers, David & Clay. If they want to take their ball and go home, let them. Let them go to Anaheim. Let them compete with the Lakers and the Griffins, er I mean the Clippers. Let them go. But come NBA time, post-lockout/workstoppage, give us a call. Seattle is here for you.

Unless of course, Cowboy Bennett and Emperor Stern decide to make amends and move your team to Seattle. Then it’s don’t call us we’ll call you. But we all know that will never happen…even though the emperor said it would….but never believe a commissioner that is slicker than a baby’s freshly-oiled bottom.

Our deepest sympathy,

Your friends in the Northwest

(aka CadChica Sports)

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